Stupid Pub Customer 13

Stupid Customer
'Hello, how much is your venison roast?'

The employee replies with the price list.

Stupid Customer
'Core, that's a bit deer!'

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Stupid Supermarket Customer 8

The Stupid Customer is at the self service check out, and calls over the employee to replace his multipack of crisps.

Stupid Customer
'This has a tear in it, can you replace it?'

Employee
'We are quite busy, but of course! I'll get someone to pick up a new packet for you.'

The employee gives over the new packet, and notices the original packet had a reduced sticker on the side, due to the tear.

Stupid Customer
'But this packet isn't reduced.'

Employee
'The original packet was reduced because of the tear that you didn't want. Therefore this new packet has no tear.'

Stupid Customer
'I wanted the reduced price, but the other packet wasn't scanning through at full price. That's why I asked you to change it.'

Employee
'But I could have simply keyed in the code for you....'

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Stupid Call Center Customer 11

Employee

'Thank you for calling the credit card department. How can I help you today?'

Stupid Customer

'Yes, I wanted to see when I will receive my new credit card.'

Employee

'My pleasure, can I ask some security questions to see your application'

The Stupid Customer provides answers to her security questions, and after checking there are no credits in process for the Stupid Customer. Checking further the employee discovers the Stupid Customer has already has a card with the bank and has maxed out the credit card with a £500 limit. 

Employee

'I do see that you already have an account with us. When did you apply for a second card?'

Stupid Customer

'I didn't apply, but I already used all the money from the first card. I was just wondering when you would be another?!'

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Stupid Coffee Shop Customer 6

Stupid Customer
'You guys close in a little bit don't you?'

Employee
'Yes, 10 minutes'

Stupid Customer
'Oh, I feel so bad now. Can I have a large Ice Decaf Americano?'

Employee
'Ok, you total is £*.**'

Stupid Customer
'Oh! And can I get 3 cupcakes'

Employee
'Sure, are you aware of our promo? 2 for £5?'

Stupid Customer
'Oh no, can I just pay for the cupcakes and my friend can pay for the drinks?'

Employee
'Sure....'

Stupid Customer
'Thanks!'

Stupid Customer leaves shop, whilst another 5 customers attempt to enter and place orders.

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Stupid Restaurant Customer 8

Employee

'Are you ready to order?'

Stupid Customer

'Yes, I'd like your grilled chicken club - but plain, please. Is that possible? To get just a plain grilled chicken sandwich?'

Employee

'Absolutely. And would you like fries or a salad with that?'

Stupid Customer

'Salad, please. With ranch.'

Employee (to next customer)

'And for you, sir? What will you be having today?'

Stupid Customer

'Um! Wait - I'm not done yet. Do you have swiss cheese? Can I have swiss on my chicken sandwich?'

Employee

'.... Yes. So... you want just plain grilled chicken with swiss cheese; is that correct?'

Stupid Customer

'Yea. And, you know, the lettuce and tomatoes and onions.'

Employee

'So when you say you'd like a "plain" grilled chicken sandwich you mean....?'

Stupid Customer

'Oh, you know - I don't want the mayo and all that other stuff.'

Employee

'Bacon?'

Stupid Customer

'Yeah.'

Employee

'Okay, so, just to confirm, you'd like a grilled chicken club sandwich with no mayo or bacon.'

Stupid Customer

'Yes.'

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Stupid Call Center Customer 9

Stupid Customer
'I just placed an order on your website, like 2 minutes ago, I need to check on something.'

Employee
'Okay, sometimes it can take up to 10 minutes for it to show in our system, so I can't see it just yet, but what was your question about the order?'

Stupid Customer
'What time is it there?'

Employee
'..It's almost 7:30'

Stupid Customer
'So you're like, three hours ahead of me. If it was three ago and you said it takes 10 minutes you should be able to see it now. Does that make sense?'

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Stupid Coffee Shop Customer 5

Stupid Customer
'Hello, I need a hot coffee with seven ice cubes in the bottom, but they can't melt and they have to stay at the bottom'

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Stupid Call Center Customer 8

Stupid Customer phones up to enquire about upgrading his computer.

Stupid Customer
'So, if I install 32bit Windows twice, will it become 64bit?'

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Stupid Book Shop Customer 6

Stupid Customer
'Do you sell the Bible here?'

Employee
'Yes we do, which version would you like?'

Stupid Customer
'The Bible'

Employee
'Yes, I understand, which version?'

Stupid Customer
'The one Jesus wrote.'

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Stupid Retail Customer 54

A woman walks into the store complaining  about her music device.

Stupid Customer
'This has a virus, it only appears when connected to my PC'

The employee turns on the device and seems to be working fine. Then proceeds to connect the device to a PC and the message 'Do not disconnect" appears, complete with the red "No" symbol.

Stupid Customer
'There! That's the virus! What does that mean?!'

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Stupid Music Shop Customer 2

The employee is restocking the guitars. 

Stupid Customer

'Excuse me can I ask you a question?'

Employee

'Of course you can. It is what I am here for.'

Stupid Customer

'Do your guitars work like real guitars?'

Employee
'What do you mean?'

Stupid Customer
'Are they like real guitars?'

 

Employee
*Looking very confused* 'Well, they have strings like a "real" guitar. They have frets like a "real" guitar. You tune them like a "real" guitar. They are smaller because they are practice guitars but yes, I would like to conclude that they are real guitars.'

Stupid Customer
'Oh that is good!'

The Stupid Customer picks up a guitar, and walks over to the counter to purchase the item.

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Stupid Book Shop Customer 5

Stupid Customer
'Hi. I need a threesis.'

Employee
'Pardon, a what??'

Stupid Customer

'You know a threesis. It has other words that mean the same as the word you look up.'

Employee

Oh right…do you mean a thesaurus?'

Stupid Customer 

'No, you idiot!! That’s a dinosaur! I need a threesis!'

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Stupid Restaurant Customer 6

Stupid Customer

'How big are your pizzas?'

Employee

'They are 10 inch pizzas, sir.'

Stupid Customer

'Well how big is 10 inches?'

Before the employee can answer the Stupid Customer's wife interrupts.

Stupid Customer's Wife

'You wouldn’t know anything about 10 inches, dear.'

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Stupid Pub Customer 12

Stupid Customer phones up the pub, and the employee answers. 

Stupid customer

'Hi, yeah I was just there at your pub a few minutes ago'

Stupid Customer stops talking, and doesn't carry on his phone call.

Employee

'Ok...and how could I help you?'

Stupid Customer

'I think I left something there. What can I do?'

Stupid Customer stops in silence again.

Employee

'Um...you could come back and get it?'

Stupid Customer 

'Oh ok, thanks'

Stupid Customer hangs up. 

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Stupid Retail Customer 53

Stupid Customer

(reads employees  name tag) 'Jade. That's a pretty name.'

Employee

'Thank you.'

Stupid Customer

'Where did you get it?'

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Stupid Cinema Customer 1

The employees are experience a rush of popcorn orders, one employee is in the middle of the Stupid Customers order.

Employee
'Okay, a medium popcorn is £*.**.'

Stupid Customer hand's the employee his money.

Stupid Customer

'Yeah, and would you get the fresh stuff for me?'

Employee

'Ahhh, sure. All of it’s fresh though. We’re putting in batch after batch.'

Stupid Customer

'No, I want the fresh stuff. Don’t fill my bag until the new one is popped.'

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Stupid Restaurant Customer 5

The employee is restocking the restaurant toilets, when the Stupid Customer walks in.

Employee
'I’m restocking this side with toilet paper, but that side’s all good to go.'

Employee points to side of the toilets that are still yet to be restocked.

Stupid Customers makes an annoyed sound and walks into the cubicle the employee was about to change. Employee stand's there and hears the Stupid Customer rolling the empty dispenser. When the Stupid Customer is done, she comes back out.

Stupid Customer
(With Anger) 'There was no toilet paper in that stall!'

Employee
'Yep...!'

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Stupid Restaurant Customer 4

Stupid Customer

'Do you guys sell biscuits and gravy?'

Employee

'No sir, we only sell crepes and paninis here. I'm sorry'

Stupid Customer

'Okay, well can i have an omelet?'

Employee

'Oh, im sorry. we actually stop selling breakfast at 11!' (it's 1:30)

Stupid Customer

'Well, can i have an omelet?'

Stupid Customer's daughter 

'Dad, they stop selling breakfast at 11.'

Stupid Customer

'Well im some countries, an omelet is considered lunch, and in others, it's a dinner!'

Employee

'Sir, i'm sorry but we can't do eggs after 11.'

Stupid Customer

'Okay, well can i have a coffee then?'

Employee

'Sure, can i get your name?'

Stupid Customer

'Disappointed.'

Employee 

'Alllllllright, can i get you anything else today?'

Stupid Customer

'Yeah, i hope you can redeem yourself next time. HA HA.'

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Stupid Call Center Customer 8

Employee
'....okay can I take your address for delivery'

Stupid Customer tells the employee her delivery address.

Employee
'You said your apartment number was F, like Frank?'

Stupid Customer
'No, it's 'F', as in Frog!'

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Stupid Body Piercing Customer 1

Stupid Customer
'I'd like to get my tongue pierced.'

Employee
'How old are you?'

Stupid Customer
'17. This is my mom.' (points at person next to her).

Employee
'Okay I need IDs from both of you.' (they give me the IDs and I check the ages.)

Employee
'Umm... This says your mom was born in 1988.'

Stupid Customer
'Yea she had me young.'

Employee
'She had you when she was 7?'

Stupid Customer
'No, of course not.'

Employee
'Then this isn't your mom. I need your parent present.'

Stupid Customer
'But this is my mom. I told you she had me young.'

Employee
'You were born in 1995. Your "mom" was born in 1988 correct?'

Stupid Customer
'Yes, I don't see what the issue is.'

Employee
'Well the issue is how this isn't your mom. Simple math shows that if she was your mom, she would have had to have given birth to you when she was 7. We are not going to pierce you at all. You can leave.'

Stupid Customer
'I still don't understand what the issue is and why you won't pierce me.'

Employee
'Because you are lying. This is not your mom.'

Stupid Customer
'Well if you don't pierce me, then I will never come here again.'

Employee
'Okay cool. Goodbye.'

Stupid Customer
'(as she is leaving) This is bullshit, I don't understand why he didn't believe it, we have the same last name.'

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